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Three Yes's to Romantic Intimacy

I love this month, I love the opportunity to ponder on love and the ways we weave it into our life.



For me, relationships are of the upmost importance. They are what fills me with meaning and fond memories. The people around me (including you!) are what motivates me to keep growing and to learn to open my heart more and more.



We ache for closeness, we yearn to be 'seen', to feel 'understood', we dream of being so close to someone that WE understand them, that we can make them feel cherished. We long to make their lives easier, because we care, because they matter.



and yet, there can be so many micro-fractures in our bridge to love. 



The biggest one is, perhaps, when our initial 'Yes' becomes a 'yes, but', let me elaborate.



For now, I will focus on romantic relationships and assume it is a relationship you want to stay in. Otherwise, many of these points would still apply but the nuances would differ.


 

The first level of saying yes - I recognize your essence. 


I remember (a long time ago) being on a date with a guy who, while nice, seemed to already have made up this mind that we would be together, possibly even marry. He was never rude, never crossed any lines, and yet it was a lonely and cringy experience.



I was left with the feeling that he was 'looking for a partner' rather than 'looking to see if I am someone he could learn to love'. They are similar yet drastically different energies. The first one is looking for a plus one, the second one implies my uniqueness, it involves a tentative us that could, perhaps, exist.



Whether you are meeting over a first date or are in an established relationship, this level of yes is important. It says:


 

I recognize your divine essence; I recognize your sacred right to be you.


Imbedded in this is a promise 'I will endeavour to know you and continuously release my desire to change you'



Everything else builds on this promise. 



Endeavours that nourish this yes:



- I respect your way of handling things, even when I would do it differently. 


- If it’s having an impact on me I will dialogue, not demand, and whatever I need to say I will say it in a way that underlines you are my beloved.


- I honour your path and where it takes you.


- I recognize I will never finish knowing you, I will endeavour to enliven my curiosity and keep noticing the ways your essence shows through.

The second level of saying yes -  I honor your circumstances and their legacy.


Circumstances are cradled over time, to honor our partner's context is to honour how their essence has been honed over the long trajectory of their lives. Is to retain our humility and embrace that we are but an aspect of their path.



It is a continuous effort to release the mental 'tune-up' we do of our partners:



- 'If only their parents had X, then now I wouldn’t have to Y'


- 'If they were more X, then I could Y' 



Of course, behind this yearning is a healthy desire to have our needs met, to feel supported. And yet, this can have such a corrosive effect on our relationships.



Carefully veiled behind these wishes is the message that we would like to trade our partner, for someone other than themselves. Yes, even if we are imagining a different version of them or even their family, it is still that... a different version.



Not who they are now, not the life they have had to lead, not the strategies they used to navigate it.



The question we are continuously asked in each level of yes is 'Can I learn to love you as you are?' and 'Can I see how learning to love you enriches my growth?' if the answer is yes, then the movement towards love needs to happen in reality, with who our partner is today and the family and lives they actually posses.



Endeavours that nourish this yes:



- I acknowledge there is no other version of you, I become practiced in identifying my longing behind that wish and do my best to honor it free of manipulation or criticism. 



- I acknowledge you do not exist in isolation, that your family, your friends, your trauma, your job is part of who you are, part of the choices that are rightfully yours. 



- I remember that loving you is a gift, an experience of my choosing, I honour the pain and scars from any past relationships, it is their ending and loss that made it possible for our paths to cross. I celebrate any love you received and gladly take my place as your lover.



Can you sense it? Can you sense those moments when a 'Yes' became a 'yes, but'? and the power of when we shift back?



I invite you into this way of knowing fully cognizant of how very demanding it is, it is still by far the most respectful and fulfilling way of love I have encountered so far. Even the journey of trying to love in this way opens our heart in a beautiful way.



I hope this resonates with you, 



Hope to see you soon



Andrea

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